The Diary of Raoul Grincheux

Part 14

In which our heroes fight to save their horses from evil arsonists.

Clayday, Deathweek, Fireseason 612 – evening

Before dinner the toffs get evrywun round table inna dinin’ room to talk bout wot ‘appens next. They reckon it’za choice tween diggin’ up Tar or the dig wot Gray ‘eld the ‘orses for. Course, we’z ‘av to know where that iz but Ole Tar gave sum cordnates in one of his letters, N6H-91. Only trubble iz them’s for the stars, like. But Sieur Thomas reckons he’z gottiz ‘ead round how the teleescope works an’ Spathi’s gotta head onniz shoulders; bofe ovvem reckon the 91 means the teleescope is pointin’ down a bit, but not much, like.

So we all troops uppa tower again. Sieur Alphonse wot woz up ‘ere this mornin’ sez sumfink bout it seemd ‘igher than it felt onna stairs. I looks about an’ over the battulmints atta ground an’ reckon I sees wot he means – ground looks thirty feet away but we can’t ‘av cum up morran twenny. Great view round the estate, mind – ‘igher than anyfink else around.

So Sieur Thomas sets up the teleescope to them cordnates an’ we all azza look inna eyehole. It’z gettin’ dark, like, but it looks like it’z pointed atta hill – dunt seem like nuffink speshul but Sieur Alphonse reckons it’z one of the places wots marked on the map he found inna lyebree.

Iz funny but Lady Samal dunt seem that intrested inna hill. She’z lookin’ up atta clouds wivva teleescope an’ even points it at Sophia – sez she can make out each ‘ouse, even tho it’z gettin’ dark.

So we ‘eads back down the stairs an’ I’m wondrin when dinner’ll ‘appen but Sieur Thomas asks ‘ow Verrat the monkey got inna ladies’ bedroom when we ‘ad two peepul on watch. I’d just fort they’z fallen asleep but Sieur Thomas finks there might be a secret passage or sumfink. So we all starts bangin’ onna walls ovva middle bedroom and lumme if we dunt finda secret panel inna norf wall wot leads inna next bedroom.

Sumwun asks Pajakuf why she dint tellus bout Verrat an’ she sez the servants ‘av got used to ‘im and reckon he’z ‘parta the seeneree’ – like wood you bovver warnin’ viztors bout your pet cat? Well akterly I wood, iffen the cat went around wearin’ ‘elmets and wavin’ swords inna middle ovva night, you know I just might!

Course, wiv secret panels ‘ere inna bedroom anna lyebree, Lady Samal wunders iffen there might be uvvers around the ‘ouse. Merde! I’m losin’ all ‘ope ov ever gettin’ me vittles’ an’ we azta rake the ‘ole ‘ouse but Stella digs out anuvver hatch wot lets down from the stairs inna pantry.

At last Pajakuf calls dinner an’ I can’t wait. Cookie dishes up a chicken shasseur but she ain’t gottit right – most ovva toffs mutter ‘too much salt’ but quiet, like, ‘cos they dunt wanna ‘urt her feelins.

But sumfink bovvers me bout this – Grannie Atouille toldus sumtimes poisons get hid by seasonin’s – well, pepper an’ chillees best, but salts a good second, know what I mean? So I’z suspishus. There ain’t no easy way to do this but I gets me ratty ‘ead on an’ gives the chicken a good sniff. But akterly, underfeef the salt I reckon it’z alrite. So I fink Phillipa woz just tryin’ to proov sumfink after Eliza put her nose out by cookin’ brekfust this mornin’.

Over dinner I asks iffen it’z alrite that I goes to Sophia next week for the King Rat ‘oly day – she sez it’z alrite az long az I go after Freezenite ‘cos that’s when she wonts us diggin’ that hill.

After dinner Pajakuf asks ‘bout wherez we’z all sleepin’ – like are we all gonna keep sleepin’ in just two rooms. Sieur Alphonse asks why dunt we use all three bedrooms? (Reckon he’s feelin’ safer now, dunno why when we’z found more slidin’ panels an’ uvver weerd shit.)

Lady Samal must reckon he’s rite ‘cos she wanna sleep inna Ole Tar’s bedroom. Sieur Thomas sez she shoodn’t sleep alone – sorss – so she asks Stella an’ Eliza to join her. Spathi givs it the once-ova but he dun’t find nuffink anna door’s sound but he finks the place is ‘sad’. Reckon Lady Samal might av to get the deckrators in once she’z got sum cash to spare.

Seems like evrywuns lookin’ to getta room to themselfs so I’m finkin’ armoury or stables – stables or armoury? I settles on armoury ‘cos I reckons it’ll be cooler than the stables after all the Sun we’z ‘ad today. Blen an’ Spathi shares the sowfeast bedroom wot the blokes ‘ad last night while the toffs toss a coin – Sieur Thomas wins an’ gets the big norfeast bedroom an’ Sieur Alphonse getsa middle room wot the ladies were in last night.

When I asks for the armoury Sieur Alphonse sez he wants to check it out ‘cos it’z right under the lyebree an’ tower an’ there might be more weerdshit ‘cos we ain’t really checked it out before. Merde! I ain’t fort of that an’ I joins him in pokin’ an’ bangin’ but we dunt find nuffink an’ it dunt av the same feelins ov ‘wronginess’, know what I mean? So it looks like I’ll be alrite. Phew!

Pajakuf asks me iffen I wonts a bed put inna armoury. I tells her I’ll be alrite wiv me blanket onna floor. She goes offan cums back inna minute wiv more blankets. Lumme! It’z not like it’z gonna be cold inna night, like. I’z just tickled I gets a room to meself. Cor! So I sleeps on toppa the blankets in just me shirt ‘cos it’z too ‘ot to sleep under ‘em, know what I mean?

I’d reed meself to sleep, if I cood reed, but it dunt take long before I drops off…

Mebbe I’z got onna wrong side ovva Selenite ‘cos I azza bad dream – a year ago, just before I nishihated, I saw a bad pile-up in Heliopolis. Sum Heliot woz drivin’ his chariot too fast, like, an’ he hit a cart. The Heliot went frew a shop window an’ wozza gonna. The driver ovva cart woz knocked about but all he ‘ad woz broozes. But one of the ‘orses ‘ad bofe front legs broke – Merde! You shooda ‘eard it screamin’! Sumfink horrible! I’z dreamin’ of that bashed-up ‘orse an’ the screamin’ wakes me up!

So I sits up, sweatin’ an’ shakin’ me ‘ead to clear the dream but that screamin’ won’t stop! – Then I realizes I’z hearin’ real ‘orses screamin’ outside – Merde!

I jumps uppan looks outa winder an’ I sees the stables iz on fire! I grabs me belt wiv me sword anna dagger an’ rips outa door yellin’ atta top ov me lungs, “Fire inna stables! Fire inna stables!” I shoulders open the door to the dinin’ room az I buckles on me belt an’ meet Spathi wots cum in from the oppsit door. He’z yellin’ too but I dunt know if anywun can ‘ear us ‘cos the ‘ouse iz so big.

I’m right behind Spathi az we barges out inna yard just as Blen cums in behind us carryin’ a big pot. There’z sum low bildins to the right but the stables inna far left corner is well alite. Spathi’s makin’ for the big doors inna front ovva stables ‘cos they’z the only way to get the ‘orses out. I ‘eads for the side door ‘cos it’z nearer an’ I reckon sumwun’s gotta gettem outa they’z stalls.

Inside izzall fulla smoke an’ screamin’ ‘orses tryin’ to batter they’z way out the stalls but I sees sevral diffrent fires all atta back ovvem. I’z finkin’ that’s right suspishus ‘cos stable fires dunt start in diffrent places by theyzelves, know what I mean? But right now savin’ the ‘orses iz wotz crooshul so I runs the length ovva stables pullin’ off the ropes wot hold the stalls shut an’ jerkin’ ‘em open – the last one’z got knotted so I slashes it wiv me dagger.

Az I passes the big doors I see Spathi slidin’ ‘em open an’ I’m glad I ain’t inna way ovva the ‘orses behind me ‘cos they’z just gonna stampede, like.

So I crouches atta top end ov the stables an’ wotchez the ‘orses from under the smoke – real fick black stuff boilin’ over me ‘ead. I darts forward to slap the cart’orse onna bum ‘cos it ain’t shiftin’ – dumb fing can’t see the way out an’ it’z froze wiv fear, know what I mean? But then it bolts outside so I won’t be pullin’ the cart by meself tomorrer.

I looks about for sumfink to beat the fires wiv but there’s just so much smoke I can’t see nuffink an’ I’m coffin fit to bust. Mebbe it’z time to get out meself but just then I sees an ‘orse still innitz stall. I’z not seen it ‘cos it’z lyin’ down. It’z got larver round it’z mowf an’ it’z twitchin’ an’ jerkin’.

Merde! I can’t drag an ‘orse wot wayza ton. All I can fink izzat I gotta bring it round so it can get out itself so I grabs it’z water bucket – big four gallon job, still ‘alf full – an’ frows it over it’z ‘ead.

But that means I az to stand up an’ that black smoke cums boilin’ over an’ I catches a lungful. Next fing I’m on all fours coffin me guts up. I feelz like a swarm ov bees av crawled down me frote an’ stung me lungs. I knows I gotta crawl out or I’za gonna like the ‘orse but I can’t feel me ‘ands an’ feet.

Then sumwun’s grabbin’ an’ pullin’ me. I wanna fite ‘em off but I can’t make me arms move. They’z draggin’ me, I feels rope an’ straw brushin’ me feet an’ me sholder bumps sumfink wooden. Then sudden-like we’z inna clear air. I coffs twice an’ then I gets a lungful ov clean air. I see it’z Spathi wot pulled me out. He’z coffin’ too, not much better’n me, I reckon – I owes him a drink, ‘opes he likes cider.

By the time I’z stopped coffin me guts up Sieur Alphonse, Sieur Thomas an’ Blen are runnin’ for the stables carryin’ buckets ov water. At least the ‘orses av stopped screamin’ but they’z all millin’ about onna far side ovva yard an’ dead skittish.

Then, right in front of me, just five yards away, I sees sumfink fly outa the dark from the left an’ hits Sieur Thomas inna guts, knockin’ ‘im down. Sumwun’s shootin’ attus!

I feels ruff but I can’t leavim lyin’ there – he’za sittin duck wiv no armour on. I runs over an’ grabs an arm an’ Sieur Alphonse anuvver. Sieur Thomas iz still game an’ castin’ spells az we drags him back where the stables ‘ides us from the archer. Sieur Alphonse goes inna stables wiv Blen an’ Spathi while I takes a look at Sieur Thomas.

It’za nasty one – big open gash inniz tum but lucky-like it’z not too deep an’ he’z already pulled the arrer out. I tidies it up an’ bandages it wivva a bit torn from his shirt.

While I’m doin’ all this, tryin’ to keep him alive, he keeps leanin’ forward to cast spells atta archer, wots lit up inna tree. Lumme! Dunt he realize I only dragged him over ‘ere so’z he woodn’t get shot – an’ his lurchin’ iz makin’ it real ‘ard to bandage him. Bloody toffs! Always finkin’ they’z onna hero-kwest!

I finely get it tied off just az Spathi cums back outa the stables. He’z coffin a bit but I reckon there’z a lot less flame an’ smoke than there woz before so they’z doin’ sumfink rite. Sieur Thomas az dropped the arrer so I take a look attit. Merde! I ain’t no expert but I reckon there’s sumfink dark, slimy an’ smelly onnit – it ain’t blud… poison?

I dun’t know nuffink bout poison, cept the obvio, of course. Well Sieur Thomas is outa the fight, bar spells. I’z still feelin’ ruff an’ me chest’s sore but from wot I’z seen an’ from wot Sieur Thomas iz sayin’ the archer’z uppa tree inna paddock. But all I’z wearin’ iz me shirt. I reckon he’d be a sittin’ duck for me crossbow but that’s back in me room.

Merde! I’d stay wiv Sieur Thomas but I can’t do nuffink bout poison. So I puts the arrer in Spathi’s ‘and, tellin’ him Sieur Thomas is poisoned. Then I casts Shimmer an’ legs it for the ‘ouse.

An arrer hits the woodwork az I gets to the open door but then I’m in the dinin’ room wivva door shut behind me. Right, I’z gonna grab me coat-o-kwilts an’ me crossbow an’ then I’z gonna take a shot atta bâtard inna tree wot Sieur Thomas sed wozza satteer – sosheehate or not, this rat’s gonna givim sum greef!